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I Adore YouIt takes all my self-control
Not to take your hand
To squeeze your fingers so tight
Until the very core of your bones ache for me
To promise you I'll never let you feel alone
That in your darkness
I will never leave you
Even if you beg me
I won't go
I'll grab your hands and kiss you
I'll break the silence on your tongue
For how badly I want to hear you laugh
To see your lovely, stupid smile
And to know,
That you're going to be alright again
Because I adore you
More than words can say
More than thousands of poems
And buckets of used pens,
Ashes of burnt up pages
That could never say how m
Not SorryI'm sorry I'm a fuck-up
That I don't do as I'm told
I'm sorry I'm not submissive and that your words don't stop me cold
I don't give fuck if you hate me
That's just the worthless slut that I am
I don't care if you don't love me
Its just another blow
I'll shrug it off and walk away
Because I just don't care anymore
I'm watching every dream I have ever had crumble down around me
Your fist keeps on striking me and I don't feel a thing
I'll tear up this paper
I'll break everything in sight until there's silence
And you shut your mouth
I won't stop this pain (this pleasure) until I'm restored
It's a dirty, filthy path
Forget MeQuietly you forget me
I'll slip away
Untwine my fingers from your warm hands
I was too late
I told you
I loved you
Just not how much
So now there's nothing left to do but watch you
And find solace in your peace
I'll take back my bags from you
I'll shoulder them myself
I'll do what people do
I'll play a sad song
And have a drink in your name
Maybe strike a match and burn your picure
Through my bitter sobs and angry tears
I'll close my eyes and think of you
And your smile
Those odd things you'd try to hide so desperately
Those things that made you so real to me
Over and OverI didn't cut today
Because when I was angry I thought of you
Of how when you dominated my thoughts
You appeared in front of me
The sudden light in your eyes
I haven't seen it for so long
And how it took my breath away
I try to remember the shaking of my hands
My swimming vision
So captivated by the motion of your mouth
Hypnotized by the warm crescendo of your voice
Drowning in the heat of your gaze
When I wonder about my self-control
Wondering why I didn't kiss you
And promise you that she could never love you
Not as much as me
I don't understand anything, really
Why I continue this
Over and over
HereI want you here with me
Under these trees
In petal covered grass
Leaning up against you and talking like we should
My muse, my heart-I want your peace and your sorrow
I want you in shadow or in sunlight
In depaire or in the high life
I want you, my night sky
My welcome heartache
My lover, my soul
My best friend, my partner
No matter how much anger, or hate fills me, I want you
I feel it inside me
I know it in my mind
I want your trust, your friendship
If I earn nothing more,
Beileve me....its fine.
They pound inside my skull
They hurt, the things he says
I know better but I don't want to
But when I close my eyes to sleep they flash
Etch into my skin
Burn across my eyes
I've pleaded to hear so desperately
Drops of liquor
From the wrong tongue, with a kiss that burns like salt
UnderstandHave you ever felt worthless?
Like no thought that came out of your head was worth while?
Do you understand what it feels like to have lost yourself inside his eyes?
Can you sympathize with just wanting to reach out and touch him.
Not even to speak to him
Just to hold him
The one thing that keeps you sane
The thoughts of his smile spinning through your head
Feeling him hold you
Dreaming of him
But knowing he is so far away from you
Do you understand
How it feels to love someone
That will never love you back
DarlingWon't you please touch me like you did today?
Gently, like you don't want to break me
Can you please look at me like you did that afternoon?
Like I am the only thing that matters?
Can you kiss me like you did while I was sleeping?
Hold me like you did that day
Like you would fall apart if you let me go
Can you help me back to my feet?
Shield the sun from my eyes
I would do the same
I'd shoulder the bags you carry, on top of mine
I'd never leave you or hurt you
So could you do the same?
All You Are Is MistShut up.
None of you are there
You promised me you would never leave
I trusted you and you abandoned me
You left me like the worthless wretch I am
There is nothing left. Do you hear me?! Nothing!
You aren't there! None of you are there!
So just shut up.
And I'll cut
Under I can see that blood...
Like honey, a drug
Relief so hypnotic I stagger
The only cure...
You...my precious lover..
You are gone
All you are is mist.
IncreasingI don't like pain
I hate the way my scissors sting
I don't care for the way blood sticks to my wrists
The cotton itching against my opened skin
But I do like the feeling
The way I slump to the floor in reilef
My ignorance of the depth increasing
I don't like the pain
But I do love the feeling
The progress of the depth increasing
God, I love the feeling
Of the only peace I've known
That embrace that I have,
It may be the only one
The calming voice of skin splitting
The gentle smile of blood on silver
The only feeling of love I know
As the depth's increasing
LiquorKisses twinged with liquor
My imagination? Or a reality
I'm drunk. Shit-faced. Plastered.
All I wanted was you. Was that so hard?
I just needed to lose myself for one night.
Spinning, going down. Throat burning. Eyes drowning.
Does this brokenness ever stop?
Am I ever going to find someone?
I know I'm young, but I've never needed someone more than I wanted him.
So keep them coming. Bottle after bottle.
Whiskey. Vodka. Rum.
I don't care, just make sure I can't feel anything.
Nothing. Especially him.
His kisses on my mouth, my neck and the back of my hands.
And my sobbing, scared to death.
What scared me was how ha
I'm FineI can't do this
I can't walk in smiling like everything is fine
Because its not
I can't put on a nice dress and act like I feel beautiful
Because I don't
I can't smile and laugh like I'm not dying
I don't want to walk in and see them
Her, in the place that I should be
Everyone having someone
A friend, a partner
Everyone but me
I can't just sit here
Crying my eyes out over this dress
Watching my anger hit the floor in shining, smaller teardrops
I can't hold it together
I can't do it anymore
Someone Like YouI can't stay away from you
We can't fight this
There' something more...just under your skin
The traces of your fingertips across my shoulders
My neck, my mouth
A thumb pushing away the saltwater on my cheeks
Your mouth turned down in frustration, and telling me you don't understand
But you don't say a word
You see the scratches on my arms
And you do speak now, and you ask me why I would do this
You pull the words out of me with no effort
My heartbroken story
How he left me
The first time I tried to end myself
The day I met you
The second time I tried
How you saved me
You manage to glue this br
Addict Addict Addict
A few more cuts
One more slice
A few more drops, a little bit deeper
Crazy Crazy Crazy
To get off on your own pain
You can call it poetic
But at the end of the day
I'm nothing but an addict
A StrangerIts strange to see you
After all these months
This past year
The hell fires I fought through
Isn't it unfair?
How this little exchange works?
That you breaking me made me who I am
But who I am
Is someone who could have loved you
The little quirks that this battle installed in me
Are things that could have saved me
Am I really?
Thinking about you?
About the way its been planned
That no matter how desprete I am,
For anyone, not just you
That I'm never going back
To anyone, not just you
This smarter, stronger girl
Is never being held again
Not with scencerity
lose yousitting next to you on a stone bench
the edges are sharp because they have been broken off
sunlight makes my hair turn gold
my legs are crossed under me
we wrote our initials in mud on the wall
i loved you because you were with me through it all
when i flung myself at you
you rushed to expect my kiss
i knew when i held you against my mouth
'i never want to lose you'
pushing your body against the back of your couch
your hands exploring the limits of my black cotton dress
silence in this empty house expect the strokes of your tongue behind my teeth
my long hair brushing against your cheek
so close and careful not to push
for all the same reasonsi wonder if you are as tense as i am
if your dreams are as fire-filled
if you still fantasize about what we could have done
hearing about how they can love each other arouses jealousy
because now my walls are caving in
i want what they have so badly
the chance to touch your face
feel your left hand running up my side to my chest
im desperate to feel that hot beauty again
the sense of just you being with me
to know your there
to feel everything your doing to my body
watch your face change when i'm exposed
i can't help how bad i want you
i'm scared what i'll do if you come back
how far will you take me
killerchills on my spine
watch him walk by
feel my muscles tighten
i tip back my head and sigh
i cold dream about you forever
fantasize about your blood
i wonder how it would look on my hands
what about your body on my floor
the chill returning up and down my arms
its been to hard these last three months
to not see someone die
my hands start shaking with lust
when ever i see your eyes
aroused and now intrigued
i can't stop wanting you with me
as you climb into the car and kiss me 'hello'
i wonder how long it will be
maybe i have you back
but the monster is still in me!
thinki'm strong enough to handle this
i'm brave enough to breathe with out your kiss
i'm sure i have the courage to be just friends
but i don't think i could see you in pain
with out reaching for your hand
i don't think i could sit across the table from you
without leaning over to kiss you
i know for a fact if i try to be with you
this pain would just get worse
i'm sure that you would do the same for me
could you see me in pain?
leaning against the door?
crying because my entire life has split over the floor?
are you strong enough to do nothing?
just to bite your tongue and watch?
or would you stop and crumble
just at my firs
HateBut I hate myself
I hate my fucking pride
And how much I speak out
I wish I could stop living
And just fall into your arms
Listen to your kind voice
Singing me to sleep
And your touch on my face
I wish I wasn't so stupid
That I have come to love you
I wish I could just leave
Because I have nothing left to say
I love you more than anything
But I don't even care
I just hate myself
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More