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How Much?I thought I'd finally caught a break
Maybe after all this pain I've found solitude
But the whole time you were looking at me, you pictured her
Everytime you found your way back to me it meant nothing
That look when you see me, was only because I reminded you of her
But how can you deny that?
The glint in your eyes and the way you let me touch you
This connection I feel to you even now
Do I mean something to you? Or was I just naive?
I still love you.
But I hate myself.
Because I love you.
She Will Never Know...Its ok
I won't say anything
She doesn't have to know
We are alone in this classroom
I may never see you again-make this count
A small secret, between lips teeth and tongue
Breathless, you cool mouth touching mine
Promises don't know
That secrets mean nothing
If you kiss me, I promise she will never know
And when you pull away and still want her-I will completely understand
But when you take a breath and all you want is more
I will be here
Waiting in this empty classroom
Keeping our secret safe
Hold me close
And I promise
She will never know.
LiquorKisses twinged with liquor
My imagination? Or a reality
I'm drunk. Shit-faced. Plastered.
All I wanted was you. Was that so hard?
I just needed to lose myself for one night.
Spinning, going down. Throat burning. Eyes drowning.
Does this brokenness ever stop?
Am I ever going to find someone?
I know I'm young, but I've never needed someone more than I wanted him.
So keep them coming. Bottle after bottle.
Whiskey. Vodka. Rum.
I don't care, just make sure I can't feel anything.
Nothing. Especially him.
His kisses on my mouth, my neck and the back of my hands.
And my sobbing, scared to death.
What scared me was how hard I fell. Even when I knew nothing would work.
That I'm not loveable enough. Not good enough.
But I can't stop loving you, I know this is the end of me. The tail end. My last shot in the dark, my only hope.
It fell through the cracks and I can't get it back.
So lets get me as far gone as possible, so I can forget.
ForeverCan we make this forever?
Curled up on the cement with you
Watching your eyes-blue, the most wonderful color I've ever seen-blink away the sunlight
Listen to your stories
Tumbling off your tongue
My ears are eager to listen to your speech
Its the only thing that I hear, and your eyes on me are the only thing I can feel
Can we just stay here forever?
I promise I won't tell anyone our secrets
But can I just lay in the grass with you 'til night falls?
Then with a kiss, I'll leave you, and I'll count the hours, the minutes, the seconds until I'm near you again
I swear, I'll hold you up
Pick you off the dust covered path when you stumble
And hold your hand to lead you through this madness
I'll be your partner, your most loyal friend
Promise me you will always love me
And you'll lay here with me
Sit under a cloudless sky with me
Strike A MatchSquatting down in the gravel
Lighting the fire
Setting your face aflame
Finally severing what's left of you from me
I'm so sorry
But I can't do this anymore
I can't keep this up
I've found someone who'll take care of me
And even if I'm wrong its worth the risk
I'm tired of waiting up for you
Convincing everyone you'll come back.
I'm leaving you behind
I've done all I can do
Even in a year
When I'm still wrapped up in his arms
And madly in love
And I've given him all of me...
I will always remember you.
Escape. Cancer. Addiction.Alchoholism. My escape.
Cutting. My addiction.
Depression. My cancer.
Self-mutilation. Drinking. Mental illness.
My worst enemies, my dearest friends.
Who started what?
Does the sickness start the addiction to the medication?
Or does my addiction become a disease?
Is my escape the problem? Or is it the side effect of addiction? A symptom?
This doesn't begin to illustrate my confusion.
I'm so sick.
Because this is all my fault.
Love is a disease. Its a silent killer. An anthrax.
Sweet, beautiful poison. Found on his lips.
My face is white-I'm dying.
Too sick to move.
I don't want to. I'd rather just lay here...
UnderstandHave you ever felt worthless?
Like no thought that came out of your head was worth while?
Do you understand what it feels like to have lost yourself inside his eyes?
Can you sympathize with just wanting to reach out and touch him.
Not even to speak to him
Just to hold him
The one thing that keeps you sane
The thoughts of his smile spinning through your head
Feeling him hold you
Dreaming of him
But knowing he is so far away from you
Do you understand
How it feels to love someone
That will never love you back
BecauseI don't know why I hurt so much
It's not like you walked out
Because you never walked in
And that's what hurts the most
Was it because she's prettier than me?
Not loud, strange like me?
Maybe you just like the way she looks next to you
Or the flush in her cheeks, on her flawless skin
She's danity, and cute.
Shes also weak. And breakable.
It's because she's not covered in scars. Isn't it?
Because when she wakes up in the morning she's not thinking about a couple shots?
Wondering if she'll be clever enough to hide the cuts another day
Does that make her better? That she was no baggage?
Because she isn't as fucked up as me...do you think she's perfect?
All For HimDon't you understand?
I don't cut for him
I want to stop because of him
I want to be someone he could be proud of
He makes me want to be better than I am
He is my muse,
He is my entire world
And he can barely remember my name
I am just another face in his crowd
I'm not the one he loves
Or the one he wants
But it does't matter to me
I just want to stop
No One's GirlNo one mourns
The girl who could not mourn.
No one loves
The girl who could not love.
They can only watch her
Walk in her barren wasteland
Just like she watches herself.
An outside observer,
Watching in though a looking glass
On her own life.
Walk amoung the dead,
The ones who have sleep for three million years.
No one pities
The girl who could not pity.
No one can dream for
The girl who only dreams
MelodyInside of us is a melody,
it's inside the hearts of you and me.
Although sometimes it's quiet and tender,
our melody is a soft, friendly reminder.
The sound inside of everyone,
will be a bind that can't be undone.
It's a note that connects with each other,
its a mark of acceptance towards one another.
We will all be heard eventually,
sometimes it's you, and sometimes it's me.
The melody inside of our body, our hearts,
is what keeps us from staying apart.
It is the sound of our sadness and fear,
but it's also the sound of the smiles you smile here.
It is the words that stay unspoken,
it is the reason some hearts are broken.
But if you listen, just listen closely,
I'm sure you can hear your melody.
Hear the thoughts that you think inside,
hear the feelings that you want to hide.
Understand yourself just a little be more,
open up that heavy closed door.
Our melody plays steady and neat,
it's a beauty that no one can beat.
Our melody is a song for ourselves,
it reminds us of our good healt
HurricaneI don't really know
How all of this came to be
When I already know
She can do better than me
I feel like she's the desert
And whenever I hold her hand
I realize that makes me
Nothing more than a grain of sand
I can't help but ask myself
How is it that she's with me?
I'm just a mess when I'm alone
And I'm fucking up constantly
In every way, shape, and form
Like the calm of the night
Or like the eye of a storm
(And if that storm were to break...)
I always have the thought
That if people were rain
l would be just a drop
And she'd be the hurricane...
My Worst Enemy.She's staring me down.
I can't look away.
Her eyes are cold, criticizing.
I shrink under her gaze.
My heart races faster by the second,
Yet she never notices.
Her eyes trail over every inch of my body,
Analyzing every little detail.
I shiver, seeing the look of disgust on her face.
She looks into my eyes again,
and I struggle to breathe.
"You're disgusting," she says, her voice like acid.
"You don't deserve to live."
I can't fight her."You look horrible. You're not even human anymore."
I nodded again, holding back tears.
She smirked, laughing humourlessly.
"Go ahead- cry. I don't care. I'm concerned about your appearance, not your mental and emotional state."
I choked back a sob, trying not to succumb to her words.
"...You're pathetic. A waste of space. An annoyance that no one wants to live with."
A single tear rolled down my cheek silently,
And then another,
Until I was crying my eyes out,
My body shaking with each loud sob th
The Paths We WalkAfter all I've seen,
I don't know who I am
or where I've been
Nor the distance in between,
All I know is today
and what tomorrow may bring.
For I am a wanderer,
For I am a broken soul,
A broken soul
Who walks down this path alone
Finding piece by piece
My own redemption.
NostalgiaI'd say you have a flawless mind at its finest,
But then I remember you don't have a heart in the slightest.
Those sleepless nights and morning excitement,
With them combined were our lovely messages sent.
You stole my heart and took my breath away,
Upon thinking of us together is when my mind would sway.
I gave you me, my soul, my heart, and my happiness; you had it all in your hands,
And then the tables turned, time changed; and it all became a gamble to have it all.
The messages stopped the way they were,
Within days, I found myself fragile, broken, upon the concrete floor.
I don't blame you, I don't blame you, I don't blame you,
Neither do I regret the moments spent together.
I wish you had told me the truth so that I knew,
But you hid it all; you played my heart ...
Without those intentions, and hurt my soul.
And now, I am stuck while the world is too busy in its own hole.
HeartbrokenI loved, I cared, I gave you all that I could,
My misfortune; I couldn't be all that you wanted.
I hoped, I wished, and I thought you understood,
My misfortune; my heart felt taunted.
I wondered, I asked, and I prayed for your own good.
My misfortune; I felt so unwanted,
I pleaded, I begged, all to share thoughts I could,
My misfortune; I neglected the hurt you had planted.
I was stupid, I was blind, I was unable to read your mind,
My misfortune; I still messaged you.
I learnt my lesson, I felt the world, I now think I know it,
Dont worry, you shall never feel so lacerated.
I promise, I swear, I shall never speak to you again,
For I deserved it all to have fallen for you.
I was silly, I was weird, and I was dumb to think --
How could I been the one you cherished?
But may you answer if you could -- how could someone be so indecisively cruel?
A cold-heart with its own blood, uncaring with bleeding hearts
I question if you care truly for my well being,
Or if it is just an illusion to fill
Painful MemoryWhy are you scared?
It's like you don't know where you are.
You take it step by step but never get very far.
Look at these scars!
How dare you say that they're worthless?!
Keep your opinions to yourself...
And stop pretending you're fucking perfect!
Like the words I never spoke;
Like this dying flame of hope;
Like this web of lies we weaved;
That we both thought we believed...
You're nothing more to me,
Than a painful memory...
It must be hard!
Keeping up with all of your lies,
That you hide the truth behind as you're waiting for it to die!
Look in my eyes!
How dare you say I'm without a purpose?!
Just look at all these scars!
No, not the ones left on the surface!
Like the words I never spoke;
Like the dying flame of hope;
Like this web of lies we weaved;
That we both thought we believed;
You're nothing more to me
Than a painful memory!
Chains of love broke my heartYet the love hurts us
Leading to misery
Creates the fear
How can it hurt this much?
Weeping with you. Arms around them
Keeping with you. Feeling their shiver
Flowing with you. Without your men
Drowning with you. Deep in this river
I could not control it
I needed someone
To hold me, take the pain away
I could not stop it
Stop myself destroying it all
Tired and lonely. Sitting and staring
Weak and filthy. No longer caring
Wasting to nothing. The rubble of you
Hoping for something. Poison where love grew
Never love me
My tears not worth it
Never desire me
I am your death
I watch over you
No sorrow. Please, no tears
Goodbye my lover
No-more I betray
I wish someone would stay
Wipe my tears away
Love me forever
Yet too hated
Dark and cold
Never worth it
Holy and fallen. Watch yourself die
Years, and still weeps. Never forgotten
Fade and wither. Long lost the fight
Tremble to sleep. Her man long gone
SkyYour eyes are like a sky
The deepest, richest blue
Cloudless, perfect, a void of escape
Not a sea taht I could drown in
Resting my head on the crook of your neck
Breathing in clean air
Instead of a plague you are a cure
The sweetest antidote
This is a dream
Its unnatural-the way you make me feel
Is this a fantasy?
Or is it about to become my reality?
a dangerous hallucinationThe light coming through the window was bright,
much too bright.
Even though my eyes were closed
I could see it-
The skin of my arms prickled,
sweat dripped from my brow.
It was two in the afternoon but…
the sun was setting
through the window facing east.
I should have seen the hutch,
shelves lined with bone china
decorated with delicate leaves and vines.
I was so thirsty
and reaching for cups that should have been there.
Instead I found a billboard of butterflies,
the colors raging
more than any rainbow
I'd ever seen.
Their wings fluttered and flashed
yet somehow they moved in slow motion.
I wanted to stand,
wanted to reach out and touch them but…
I couldn't move,
and yet I laughed
ignoring my dry mouth
and the tingling in my feet.
There was a tempest
on the rise
and in my blood.
A sugar rush disguised
as a riot of butterflies
and they were swarming me.
There was a small vial
of insulin in my pocket
that I nev
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More